New Website, New Blog Site

My new website is up!

I'm so excited about it.
This means that I'll be blogging over there now. (You can subscribe for RSS feeds). I've been reading blogs in Google Reader.
Check it out!

GLAD challenges DOMA

This is exciting news. Today GLAD, New England's nonprofit legal rights organization, filed a lawsuit challenging the federal DOMA law.

DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) is the law signed by President Clinton that allows the federal government and individual states to not recognize same-sex marriage performed in states that allow it. DOMA is the reason that married same-sex couples in Massachusetts and Connecticut can't file joint federal tax returns. DOMA is the reason that if you fall in love with someone from overseas, that person won't get a green card if you marry in Massachusetts or Connecticut. DOMA is the reason that most out-of-state couples who marry in Massachusetts find that marriage invalid when they return to their home state (with some exceptions: NY, NM, RI included).

DOMA is a terrible, discriminatory law - so this challenge by GLAD is a big deal. In 2004-2005, I spent a year and a half as a volunteer on the GLAD hotline. Every Friday afternoon from 1-4:30, I'd answer calls, letters and emails from people who felt discriminated against. It was a powerful experience and GLAD remains one of my favorite charities to support.

GLAD takes a very thoughtful approach to its challenges and as such, is challenging only the parts of DOMA that unfairly discriminate against residents of Massachusetts (not the parts that affect non-residents and could be dismissed on the basis of federalism). This is why the plaintiffs are, as examples: widowers not eligible for survivor benefits; couples paying excess taxes because they can't file joint returns; and couples paying thousands extra for health insurance because if one is a federal employee, the couple is not eligible for joint marriage coverage.

I'll be following this challenge closely! This is very exciting news indeed. By the way, if you want to support GLAD, they have a silent auction which you don't have to attend in order to bid or win. Check it out.

what to wear

I talk with a lot of brides and one of the biggest sources of angst and frustration is what do I wear to my wedding? A lot of lesbian brides don't want to wear a wedding gown. I don't.

I'd love to hear your creative solutions and sources of inspiration.

Many of my clients have had custom creations or have bought off the rack at J. Crew, Hugo Boss or Bloomingdale's. I've had brides in tunics, in saris, in white dresses (not gowns) and in other colored dresses. I've had some in black suits, some in white suits. There's no tradition here - use your imagination and allow yourself to be inspired.

(The grooms definitely have it easy on this matter. I had clients get married today in jeans, though most often they are in suits or tuxes.)

And as for me, I'm still on the fence and time is running out! What am I going to wear to my own gay wedding? My partner has her wedding dress picked out. It's currently being altered (and will then be secretly stored in her aunt's house, making its surprise debut to me on our wedding day).

"Milk"

OK, this is a little off topic, but did you watch the Oscars? I always get excited this time of year because once upon a time, I was a film student and I still love the movies. I was elated to see Milk win two well-deserved Oscars.

I was born in 1976 in NY. Harvey Milk died in 1978 in San Francisco. As such, I didn't know of him until I was an undergrad at Boston University and watched The Times of Harvey Milk documentary. He was an inspiration then and seeing Milk a few months ago, reinforced that. The film made me feel like I was there, in the crowd, at the rallies organized by Milk.

It's humbling to hear the stories of the leaders in the gay rights movement, to see how far things have come and have faith that same-sex marriage equality is coming next. It was inspiring to be around the new leaders of the gay marriage movement and hear their speeches when gay marriage came to Massachusetts in 2004.

I am incredibly moved by the acceptance speech of the writer of Milk, Dustin Lance Black, shown below.

I felt uplifted - but, because I am fueled by momentum and like to take things a step further, it left me with a question: how are you going to channel the inspiration you now feel? And that's a question I have for everyone who cares about this issue and was moved by last night's speech...

White Knots

Have you heard of these white knots to show support for marriage equality for same-sex couples? I feel like I've been living under a rock to have never heard of them, but apparently lots of people will be wearing them at the Oscars. Check out WhiteKnot.org.

We are having some friends over to watch the Oscars so perhaps I'll buy some white knot making supplies to add to the festivities.

Green Weddings

I'm a big fan of green weddings and love to work with couples who want to incorporate green and sustainable practices into their wedding planning. It's one more way to think outside the box, and I love that kind of challenge.

I have a resource on my website for green weddings. Click here to download the PDF.

But I also enjoy checking out this blog for real life examples of what people are doing. And I have Kate's book, too.

If you're thinking of going green, give me a shout!

invitations

Invitations are tricky - so many design, font and printing choices. And they are so personal and can be the start of building a wedding theme. We had a hard time picking out invitations for our own wedding and after flipping through many design books at stationary stores and blinding ourselves on invitation websites, we decided to go custom.

In our travels, we found a fabulous designer on Etsy.com with whom we've been enormously pleased. The invites are not yet in hand but the process was remarkably simple with the help of Kristin from 622press.

Our invitations are being printed on a letterpress, the oldest (and in my opinion, most elegant) printing method. The content and design are literally pressed into the paper (in this case, 100% recycled cotton 110# cardstock).

Kristin has ours mostly done and sent us a photo tonight of how they look! We are positively elated...don't they look great?

a L O V E carnival in Ireland

My parents were both born in Ireland and thus, I have Irish citizenship. A few years ago, I jumped through all kinds of hoops to finally obtain my Irish passport, bringing closer a dream I've had for years of someday living in the motherland for awhile. I have been to Ireland about six times and I love it!

Check out this story: Irish Gay Marriage Activists Plan Valentine's Day Carnival.

A civil partnership bill will be brought before the Irish legislature this spring, though it appears that full-on marriage is out of the question.

freedom to marry

Yesterday was the annual Freedom to Marry protest where same-sex couples all of the U.S. went to City Hall to apply for a marriage license, with full knowledge they'd be denied.

Were you at a protest or were you denied a license? I'd love to hear your story.

Here's a link to a news article.

out of state couples

I have become quite adept at working with couples - straight and gay - who live in other states but plan to marry in Massachusetts and have a wedding with a number of family and friends traveling from other states as well. I get questions on how the planning works so here's a brief explanation:

• Like with all potential clients, we have an initial meeting (in this case, it's a phone meeting) to discuss your needs and where I can explain my services and how I can help.
• When I have a clear picture of your needs, I begin research and start sending vendor options: venues, officiants, photographers, hotels, etc. Sometimes I will go to venues and take digital photos to help the couple make the most informed decision.
• Couples then let me know what they like and what they do not and I set up meetings and a discounted hotel room block for your wedding guests.
  
• Ideally, the couple will plan a visit to Massachusetts where we have a series of marathon meetings and site visits with vendors and venues I know and trust. My goal is to send you back to your home state with an enormous sense of relief and satisfaction that many of your logistical needs have been met.
• Contracts and payments are negotiated by me though contracts are between the couple and the vendor.
• I then work with the couple on the more personal side of wedding planning, providing advice on decisions such as invitations, music selections, gift bags, etc.
• Couples let me know if they need anything at all and I find a way to make it happen.
  
• Couple often doesn't come back to Massachusetts again until a day or two before their wedding at which point I bring them to get their marriage license and waiver of the 3 day wait.
• Your wedding is absolutely perfect and stunning and everyone is incredibly happy.

If it is sounds pretty easy, that's my goal for my clients. I've worked with several dozen couples from other states to make this all come together fluidly and beautifully.

Cambridge

Last year, I had a couple come in from Pennsylvania to get gay married. I picked them up at their hotel in the morning and brought them to Cambridge City Hall to apply for their license. After that, we all went to apply for "marriage without delay" at the courthouse, and when that was granted, we returned to City Hall to pick up their license.

All the while, I heard great stories about their families, their jobs and the adorable story of how they met...

But, the best part of the day (I think we'd all agree) was when we were in Cambridge City Hall, license in hand, with the Honorable Denise Simmons (Justice of the Peace and Mayor of the City of Cambridge). She officiated a beautiful, simple ceremony in her office and at the conclusion of the ceremony, presented my clients a felt bag. Inside the bag was a key to the City of Cambridge.

Imagine the reaction of these two guys! They were elated! They were two African-American men in their 40s and Ms. Simmons is the only openly-lesbian African-American mayor of a city in the US, handing them a key to her city. I didn't know it was coming - but what a pleasant surprise for all of us! I've worked with Ms. Simmons a number of other times and she always does a wonderful job but that was particularly special.

Yet another reason I often take my clients to Cambridge. The main reason is that Cambridge was the first city in the US to legally issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, beginning at 12 midnight on May 17, 2004. I feel by taking my clients to Cambridge, not only am I supporting that decision but I'm treating them to a little piece of GLBT history.

the 4th

Yesterday was the gay wedding in Boston of a couple I've been working with for a few months now. After years of marriage to men, they met through work and one night fifteen years ago, on the 4th of some month, they connected and have been together since. They celebrate their anniversary the 4th of every month, and yesterday on February 4 they married in front of 10 friends and family members, including the three children they raised together who are now in their late teens/early 20s.

These women live in the South and envisioned an upscale, elegant, classic New England wedding and contacted me to make this happen. They wanted the ceremony and reception in the same building and preferred this to be a hotel for guest convenience in early February. I set to the task of identifying venues that fit the bill, although I had one in mind from the get-go and that's where the wedding was - the Lenox Hotel. It's lovely and I visited it on their behalf and found it to be absolutely perfect for them. They agreed and off we went.

This couple wanted a ceremony officiated by an Episcopal priest but Episcopal priests are not legally allowed to perform same-sex marriages. Instead, I arranged a ceremony performed by my new favorite local Justice of the Peace and blessed by an Episcopal priest. Both were great and it was a beautiful ceremony, with Communion.

I met this couple for the first time in January when they were here for a brief visit to apply for their marriage license, tour the hotel, select wines and meet the florist and priest. We had a great lunch in the hotel pub and got to know each other as friends. I love that.

Yesterday's wedding was exactly what they were looking for. The formal ceremony was in a second floor function room with a table of family photos, tons of candlelight and divine flowers from my favorite florist. The flowers and floating flower/candle pillars were stunning. After the ceremony and group photos (taken by one of my favorite photographers who is shooting my own wedding), I brought everyone to the restaurant for cocktail hour and dinner at Azure. The room was stunning.

My favorite part? The sweet toast by the oldest son, Charlie. What great kids they raised, and his toast was a testament to their relationship and the foundation that they provided their children. It brought tears to my eyes. And that is why I do what I do. I still believe these weddings are making history, changing minds, bringing people together and validating relationships one wedding at a time. And it's my job and my pleasure to make this process as easy as possible, creating a beautiful, memorable event for these lovely folks.

This story in photos is here...

just a little obsessed...

with lighting design. I will be encouraging all of my clients to utilize lighting as a means of transforming their space into a very dreamy, intimate, lux environment. It's amazing what professional lighting can do. Starting at $1,000, it's a great value for clients - and allows you to have fun with your theme, your colors and maybe even save a few bucks on floral design or other design elements you might otherwise use to hide ugly architectural elements.

Jen and I are hiring Paul at Boston Uplights for our gay wedding in Boston and are very excited. Our wedding is happening in a rather plain room with a pretty amazing view. But the walls are grey and white and frankly a little dull (though I would still recommend our venue to anyone).

During the ceremony (in front of a huge window with view) Paul at Boston Uplights is lighting the walls around the room with blue, more heavily concentrated towards the ceremony space. Behind us, he'll put a ton of candles of varying heights on pedestals to finish off the dramatic effect and draw everyone's eyes towards that part of the room. The cool thing is that he does this using completely wireless LED uplights - easily moved with remote color changing.

During the reception, the lighting design is quickly changed to a different setup - the lights less concentrated, a different color. It's amazing how the room will be transformed.

The bottom line is that proper lighting can take your wedding from boring to bold, from frumpy to fabulous! And my clients always look fabulous.

my own gay wedding, chapter 1

I think it will be fun to tell some stories related to planning my own gay wedding in Boston. Let me start by saying it's a lot of pressure! I'm quite certain, no matter how it turns out, that I will be judged!

The Ring and the Engagement
Sometime before Jen moved in, we had conversations about ring styles and I had a sense of what she wanted. I even had a photo of what she liked. One day after I left a client's office in downtown Boston, I decided that, just for kicks, I'd go ring shopping, get a sense of what the cost might be, etc. This is one of the parts of planning a wedding I've never been involved in, since my clients always have the ring when I meet them!

The second store I went had the setting in stock, showed me some diamond options and before I knew it, I bought a ring (which looks similar to the one on the left). It happened so quickly and so easily, much more so than I expected. In the week or so it was being made, I thought of all these elaborate and clever ways to propose. When I picked the ring up, I buried in the back of my file cabinet and tried not to think about it - I wanted to wait a few months.

A few weeks later, Jen moved in. That Sunday night, I made dinner (and it was terrible) and we sat in our pajamas, looking adoringly at each other when Jen took my hand and said, "I can't imagine being any happier than I am at this moment." I'm not sure what came over me - I think I saw that as a challenge - and politely excused myself to get a "sweater." I returned with the ring, mumbled something sweet, and before I knew it, we were engaged!

Everyone has a different story and it's been fun creating my own while working with others. One of my favorite parts of my career is getting to know all kinds of couples and seeing glimpses of their lives. I have worked with couples together 30 years who live in the country; couples who have kids and live on a quiet urban neighborhood street; couples who live in a downtown loft and have season tickets to the Celtics; and couples who, like Jen and I, experienced love at first sight and didn't want to wait any longer to begin the fun part of being together forever.

Back to my story...let's just say that I'm part-Type A, a wedding planner, marrying someone wedding-obsessed, and within two days of our engagement, we had our venue booked...

state by state

Want to know about your legal protections in your state for same-sex couples? Check this out:
HRC releases comprehensive state by state legislative report.

Could Iowa be next? Their State Supreme Court is set to rule on a case soon.

Seems like every time there's good news, there's another statewide ban. Wyoming may be the next to add a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.

the first gay wedding

I received a call on Tuesday, May 18, 2004, by a gentleman looking for help planning his gay wedding. It was to be held in six days in Boston.

We had other clients already - but for weddings further out. This was a wedding in a week. They had the venue. I needed to find wedding cake, a photographer, flowers, ceremonial music, and drinks. The idea was to have the wedding in a church and a cake and punch reception immediately following - the wedding and reception were open to all.

The ceremony was at First Church Boston, a Unitarian Church on Marlborough Street in the Back Bay. One of the grooms was so excited that his was going to be the first gay wedding at this historic church that he sent around a press release he wrote about it.

When I arrived at the Church for setup, I watched another gay couple and their friends pose for photos after their ceremony just concluded. Turns out that my clients were the second gay couple to get married at First Church.

So I did it and hired vendors I would begin to work with routinely afterwards. The ceremony was beautiful, very elegant and the grooms were handsome. All the vendors did their job exceptionally well, and my girlfriend at the time and I served up cake and punch to the guests, some of whom were strangers to the grooms.

I still get that question from reporters and prospective clients: what was the shortest amount of time you were given to plan a wedding?

That was my first gay wedding and to this day, I still think of every one since as making history.

The first six months

This is my first purely professional blog post - that is, a post about my company, It's About Time. I often have a lot to say so hopefully this will come easily. I will start at the beginning of the story of how I became a gay wedding planner and will proceed chronologically - but probably interject current stuff as well as stories of my own wedding planning, in between.

Five years and two months ago, on November 18, 2003, I was in my car driving towards the Forest Hills T stop, listening to NPR. There was a news bulletin about a forthcoming ruling later that day on the Goodridge v. the Massachusetts Department of Public Health case to remove the state's ban on same-sex marriage. At the time, I was three days removed from a Caribbean holiday with my girlfriend of three years (and a few weeks away from ending that relationship, but that's another story...), and tightly gripped the wheel in excitement.

I went to the office and glued myself to Boston.com and GLAD.org, waiting for the verdict to come. Sometime around 11am, in my cramped little office with a view of a brick wall, I heard the news that the state may not "deny the protections, benefits and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry." The verdict indicated that these marriages could take effect in six months, on May 18, 2004.

My job (that I mostly disliked) in downtown Boston was a few blocks from the State House. There were almost daily rallies in support of or opposed to gay marriage because, within that six month period, those who opposed gay marriage tried in vain to preemptively ban it through a Constitutional amendment. I would frequently take long "lunches" to attend these rallies, listening to moving stories from former Senator Dianne Wilkerson, Rep. Byron Rushing and other leaders, standing alongside couples together twenty or thirty years, hoping they can one day marry.

I was inspired. And I didn't like my job. And I knew I was good at event planning, frequently called "calm." Somehow I had the bright idea that I should start a gay wedding planning firm. It was honestly a "light bulb" moment. And those who know me well know that when I get fixated on an idea, I make it happen.

So, I recruited a business partner who knew a thing or two about weddings, bought an ebook on how to plan a wedding, did lots of online research on venues and questions to ask vendors. My business partner got us a logo. I got us a website and immediately set up Google Adwords, and miraculously, by March or so, I was the co-owner of a business called It's About Time.

In that time, there was a constitutional amendment approved by the Massachusetts legislature, one that would ban gay marriages and create civil unions. Fortunately for us here in Massachusetts, it's not easy to change the state constitution, and for complicated political reasons I'm not going to get into here, the constitution remained exactly the same.

On May 17, 2004, at midnight, the City of Cambridge, Massachusetts became the first city in the first state in the entire United States to issue legal marriage licenses to gay couples. And that is the primary reason that, to this day, I frequently take my clients to Cambridge to get their very own.